Digital Library: Assertivenes

Assertiveness

Providing appropriate parameters within which a helper/volunteer (therapist) works with a client is foundational to success. Ability to set boundaries enables and demarcates relationship between the person providing social assistance and the person receiving it. One the most important skill in this process and transfer is assertiveness. 

Assertiveness is the ability to stand up for yourself without violence, with the respectful attitude to differences of others and their freedom. It is the ability to stand up for yourself, to defend your opinion, to strive for something and to fight for your rights, without violence, with a respectful attitude to differences of opinion and freedom of expression. It is intended to protect yourself, your values, your personality and your dignity.

Assertiveness is a broader term for decisiveness and confidence of a person while at the same time it includes the qualities of compassion and openness to the needs, interests and limitations of others. She/he can compromise when a conflict arises and knows how to put him/her self in somebody else’s shoes.

People that act assertive are aware of their virtues and flaws but accept themselves nonetheless. They try to go beyond their limits while at the same time they are kind and patient with themselves; they know their needs, interests, emotions, feelings, and limits and don’t hide them from others.  They are aware of their responsibility to others and that is why they treat them with respect; they understand their flaws and limits but don’t surrender to manipulation and aggression. 

Whoever wants to learn assertiveness must follow the rules of creative communication. Whenever a person uses creative communication he/she is aware that the manner of communication is very important and the choice of words is key. Creative communication creates authentic relationships and brings clear and calm messages.

Two types of messages are generally used in creative communication:

You–messages do not address the co-speaker or the group but they are statements of conviction given in advance, without the co-speaker’s approval of the opinions. These unsuitable messages are, for example: You have no manners! … You don’t know how to be patient!!…

I-messages mean speaking to a known or unknown receiver in the first person singular by communicating your own relationship to the message or to the situation you are talking about. With these, we clearly and without judgement communicate to the co-speaker how his/her manner of communication affects you. For example: I can’t concentrate while you’re talking...; I can’t trust you when you conceal things from me;… In creative communication I–messages are used and are a part of assertive communication.

Rules and examples of assertive communication

First rule: Authenticity

“I am who I am and not who others want me to be. I show you my feelings and I want you to show me yours. I want us to “hold a mirror up to each other” and learn. You can tell me what you think but also how you feel so that we can communicate”

Second rule: Openness

“I accept how you are and not how I want you to be. I offer you good intentions, respect and affection and I expect the same from you.”

Third rule: Setting limits

“I wish to stay in a creative relationship with you, with a clear line between you and me.”

Fourth rule: The inevitability of disagreements

It is also important to recognise and differentiate between assertive and non-assertive behaviour.

 

Table: Distinguish between assertive and non-assertive behavior

Non - assertive	Assertive	Aggressive
speaking quietly and shy	outspoken and calm speech	speaking loudly and fast
speaking unclearly	speaking clearly	commanding
gestures are modest	gestures are relaxed	gestures are fast and irritating
nervousness and restlessness	calmness	agitation
reservedness	emotional openness	rigid emotions
shyness	confidence	arrogance

Significance in Times of Crisis (e.g. pandemic)

Whenever a person uses assertivness he/she is aware that the manner of creative communication is very important and the choice of words is a key. It creates authentic relationships and brings clear and calm messages. People that use assertiveness as a model of creative communication among themselves are honest, respectful and equal co-speakers.

In the time of pandemic crisis people may prioritizing safety over connection, which may result in feeling of isolation, hopelessness, fear, depression, anger, or low motivation. In order to find a solid ground between these two basic human needs, healthy assertiveness is helpful by balancing these needs. By behaving assertively, a person inspires trust in others, because they know they can count on him/her. Also, we illustrate behavior that they themselves may come to follow.